I'm not sure what it is about babies that start your biological clock ticking. Maybe they release some sort of pheromone that makes you yearn to procreate. There's something about their smell and those tiny little fingers and toes that just tug at your uterus. After everything that we went through to get J, I wasn't sure I would ever get to the point where I could remotely consider throwing myself back into the uncertain world of infertility. About 2 months ago, I was packing up J's little clothes that he'd outgrown and donating some things to a friend when it hit me. I was getting very emotional at how quickly he was growing up and the thought of him being our only child. It wasn't until we visited some old friends who have a baby girl a few months younger than J that it really drove home. She was so sweet and so tiny unlike our little haus. It was then that I realized I could definitely do it again.
G and I talked about it for the last two months and both felt like we could dip our toes back into the infertility waters one more time and see what happens. If it worked great! If not we have J and we will happily live as a family of three. We visited Dr. L last week and let him know about our plans and I had my six month precautionary biopsy. We were doing this! No more birth control, throwing caution to the wind and letting God decide. I was starting to get excited thinking about the possibility of a sibling for J. Tick, tick, tick...BOOM! My reality just got shaken by the boom of my biological clock exploding. My seemingly innocent routine biopsy came back and the results weren't good. Looks like my cancer is back. Once again my baby train is being derailed!
My first thoughts were total sadness of not having a brother or sister for J. Those thoughts quickly shifted to my own life and being around for my son. I still have those desires for more children but I am beyond blessed to have the most amazing son. Being healthy for him far outweighs having another child. This new road is a scary one for a whole other set of reasons. I'm afraid of how I will change after having a hysterectomy. Will I feel the same? Will G still find me attractive? Will I feel like less of a woman? What if I never see J again or hold him in my arms? Nope, more children is the farthest thing from my mind at this point. My main concern is being here for the little miracle I do have!
As I sit here and think about the last seven years, it's amazing that I even made it to this point. Think about it. After trying to have a baby for a year and a half I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and told I needed a hysterectomy. One year later I was pregnant. I would conceive three more times over the next two years and actually carry one of those pregnancies to full term. Something doctors weren't sure I'd ever be able to do. I was cancer free for almost four years during which time I gave birth to the most amazingly perfect little boy. Talk about miracle!
Seeing Dr. B hold my son for the first time today was pure joy! This woman saved my fertility almost four years ago and now she was holding the miracle that she helped us create! So yes, I'm sad about not having any more biological children but I am much more happy because of two wonderful doctors who cared enough to help my dreams come true I have J. Being able to wake up every morning to his hugs and smiles make this new chapter of my life something I know I can get through. Once again, not the path I would have chosen for my life but how can I complain when I have my own little miracle that surprised us all?