My eyes watered as I kissed J and left for my pre-op appointment. As I made the 30 minute drive to the hospital my head began swimming with thoughts of both the past and the future. This road has been so long and difficult; it's hard to believe that it's coming to an end. Honestly, I guess I never really believed that the end to our fertility journey would be mandated by my oncologist. After almost four years being cancer free, I thought the decision would actually be mine and G's based on whether we thought we could handle trying again. Yet, there I was, driving to the hospital where my impending doom is to take place.
I sat in the reception area waiting to be called by the nurse, gripping my purse strap, and thinking that this was it; I'm never having a biological child again. I've continued to hear over the last few weeks some of those dreaded comments which I remember all too well from our days in the infertility trenches. "You can still adopt." "Everything happens for a reason." "At least you have one." You know, this time around it is different. Yes, I am very blessed that I have one. J is perfect and the fact that he is our only child makes him that much more special and I love him dearly. Yes, I know everything happens for a reason but no, you telling me that does not make me feel better. And yes, I know that we have a valid home study and can still adopt. The problem is that all the emotions and dreams of an almost seven year journey to have children don't magically disappear because my doctor says I physically can't continue on that path. I still have to mourn the loss of those dreams and the children I can't carry. I still have to make peace with what is happening both physically and emotionally with my body.
When I was faced with the possibility of a hysterectomy five years ago, the fears and emotions were the same, yet different. There are still the same desires when it comes to the outcome...I still want children and want to be a mom again. Somehow now it just feels different. I adored being pregnant. I loved feeling every movement J made inside me. After he was born I had these strange feelings as if he were still inside kicking me. I told G it was almost like phantom limb syndrome. I miss those feelings and I miss knowing that there was another human being growing inside me. A human being that G and I created. I wonder, had I never been pregnant would these feelings be quite as strong as they are now.
Dread poured over me as the nurse called my name. It finally felt real. This is happening. What new hell am I in for now? Oh, there it is...punch number one! "Is there any chance that you are pregnant?" Ouch! My heart sank. I did the standard pee in a cup and blood draw then moved on to the next obstacle in my little hell, x-rays. Punch number two, "Are you sure you aren't pregnant?" ! Shit people! I'm having a hysterectomy do you think I'm pregnant? I continued on until all my little obstacles were done and then I got my final blow. "Mrs. W, just so you know, they will require you to have a pregnancy test again on Monday before your surgery." Are you freaking kidding me? (I decided I better clean that up since this is a family blog) I'm having the end all be all of my ability to create life removed from my body but lets add a little more insult to injury and make me pee on a stick first.
Well I guess there's no fighting it. Pre-op is done and the date and time are set. This time next week I will officially be done with our infertility journey!