Saturday, May 10, 2014

Another Mother's Day with Tears

Mother's Day has long been a day of tears and sadness for me.  Like many struggling with infertility, it's a special day of torture and constant reminders that yet another year has passed and your uterus remains empty. There's family and friend brunches celebrating all the moms while all the dads dote lovingly on their deserving wives.  The TV and radio are running commercial after commercial reminding us Mother's Day is just three days away, while stores are having massive sales honoring mothers with that much needed trinket. And of course, the ultimate sucker punch to your heart and uterus, those well intentioned ceremonies at church that present a rose to ALL the women in the congregation because we've all been "like a mother" to someone at some point. Screw that! I don't want to be like a mother...I want to BE a mother!
For years I prayed for a child of my own.  I dreamt of cards with little fingers and toes saying "I love you mommy!"  I longed to feel those little arms wrapped tightly around my neck. Four years ago I was gearing up for yet another surgery to try and remove more cancerous cells.  If you would have asked me then if I ever thought I'd be a mom I don't think I could have said yes.  I wanted to have faith that my day was coming, but as I was facing another surgery and another round of hormone therapy my hopes were not high.  That Mother's Day was difficult but the next two were beyond brutal.  Mother's Day hit an all time low after my miscarriages.  Not only did I struggle with the idea of never having a child but now it was tainted with the what might have been.  Last Mother's Day I had a glimmer of hope.  I was pregnant once again and had finally made it out of my first trimester.  I refused to celebrate for fear of "jinxing" things.  I didn't want to let myself hope too much just in case.  It's amazing how infertility affects your mind.
Fast forward one year.  Today, I sat down with my beautiful and amazingly perfect son (yes, I know I'm biased) making gifts for our mom's.  Once again my eyes began to fill with tears for Mother's Day.  Only this time they were true tears of happiness.  I realized that my dreams had finally become a reality.  My miracle was in my arms hugging me tight as I played with those little feet.  I didn't need the card...I had the real thing! What a difference a year truly makes!