Over the years G and I have been asked many questions about children and our lack there of. I can remember all too well the triggers, tears and heartaches they have caused. I really thought now that I was pregnant there wouldn't be any questions that would cause those same fears or reactions, but I was wrong.
Over the last few months I finally became comfortable enough with my pregnancy and dealt with many of those past fears to begin preparing for my little squirt's arrival. At 26 weeks I gathered my nerve and we went to the baby store to start our registry. That's when I was first asked the simplest of questions that would shake me to the core. "Is this your first?" As the words came out of the clerks mouth chills shot down my spine and I felt as if I was just stabbed in the heart. Simple question, right? To someone who has never experienced a loss I am sure the question wouldn't even phase them and they would gladly respond with a resounding "YES!" However for someone with my history it froze me in my tracks and I couldn't even formulate a word. How do I respond? Is this my first pregnancy? No! Is this my second pregnancy? No! For me, no, this is not my first because I have beautiful angel babies that are being loved and nurtured in heaven. In reality, I guess you can say this is my first...at least my first keeper. Obviously the clerk had no clue what we had been through, and why would she? It's not like miscarriage survivors have a marking or a visable scar to allow the rest of the world to know their stories. This simple question, though truly harmless, was enough to send me into a tailspin of doubt and fear once again.
As my pregnancy has continued to progress and we have continued to move forward in our preparations for squirt's big day that question has been asked of us repeatedly. Each time I feel a little more pain as I answer "Yes, this is our first." Sometimes I feel as if I am hiding that part of my life. Like I am not being truthful. Does every person that rubs my belly, rings up a baby item purchase or works in my dentist office need to know every detail of this journey? Of course not! I'm not saying that we need to share all the intimate details of our trials to get this miracle. I just believe that those little angels that came before our miracle are a part of me and have given us the strength to get to our little squirt! He truly is our miracle and is so much more loved because of what we have been through!
I know that I'm not alone in my feelings. I had hesitated to even broach the subject with G until this week for fear he would think I was just being overly sensitive or hormonal. After being asked this question three times during our recent visit to the baby store I finally decided to ask G how he felt each time we were asked, "Is this your first?" To my surprise it was jolting to him as well. He said every time he's asked he flinches. I guess no one is immune to the pains of loss and even the simplest of questions can be a trigger!