Have you ever been too afraid to share good news with others for fear of "jinxing" the outcome? Have you ever wanted something so badly that when it's finally in your grasp you are too afraid to do anything for fear of losing it? Have you ever been paralyzed by fear?
I'm 25 weeks along in my pregnancy and this is where I am at right now. Most women in this stage of their pregnancy would be nesting, registering for baby items, decorating the nursery, having showers and preparing for babies arrival. Me...I'm in hiding thinking of all the wonderful things I want to do for the baby but too paralyzed by my past to do anything about it. Getting to this point has not been easy for G and I. With years of cancer and fertility treatments, multiple losses and a scary first trimester it's no wonder I would have these fears. In the first trimester it was just get to twelve weeks and we can relax. Didn't happen! At 13 weeks it was get to the 20 week anatomy scan and we can relax. Nope, this just brought new fears and a reality that my little gummy bear was now a human and if born at this time he couldn't survive. Talk about a whole new level of fears and anxiety. My previous losses all came in the first few weeks of pregnancy and we never heard a heartbeat. No, that doesn't make those losses any easier, but hearing a heartbeat and seeing a human body does bring a new sense of reality to the fact that you are creating a life inside of your own body. My fears of loss over the last few weeks have been so overwhelming that I had to put the breaks on any planning until 26 weeks when I knew there was a chance of survival for my little squirt.
As that next milestone approaches I'm trying to break free from these chains that are holding me captive from enjoying my pregnancy! With just a small breakdown I have finally signed us up for our birthing and parenting classes. G and I have plans to order furniture and finish the nursery over the next few weeks. And yes, we are actually going to create our baby registry next week!
I know that my fears may be difficult for some to understand, but infertility and miscarriage leave scars. Some may be superficial and fade over time, but some are deep and will always be a part of me. I don't regret or resent my past because they have made me and my marriage stronger, created relationships I never would have had and brought me closer to God. However, some parts of our past are always there to remind us of where we came from and the blessings we have. I know this because one of my blessings is kicking me in my belly button as I type this! I continue to pray for peace to make it through the next 3 months and enjoy the miracle that is growing inside me!
Thank you for the continued thoughts and prayers!!