More than anything in my life I want to be a mother. It is what I have been dreaming about since I was a girl. Obviously I never thought this would be the path that we would take to get there, but nonetheless it is my dream. Now that I am pregnant I didn't realize just how difficult it would be coping with pregnancy. I am not talking about the nausea, breast tenderness, mood swings or fatigue. No, I am talking about actually struggling with accepting the fact that I am pregnant. How can getting the one thing that I have been dreaming of for so many years cause so much anxiety and fear?
I remember reading an article years ago about women struggling with being pregnant after suffering with infertility. I could not believe that these women weren't happy now that they had what they wanted. How could they be so selfish? I would give anything to be in their situation. Today, I eat those words! My first trimester I had the normal pregnancy symptoms and for those I was thankful, but there were a few scares along the way too. I have had multiple occasions where I thought I was losing my baby, again! This sent me into a tailspin of fears, doubts, anxiety and a little depression. I was one of those women. I was afraid of being pregnant.
I have always said that infertility is a part of me. It has made me and my marriage what it is today. I guess I never realized just how deep down those feelings were embedded in me. I knew that I had mourned our losses and learned to accept our fate when it came to growing our family but I didn't realize how much fear I still had. Infertility has made me insecure about my pregnancy and brought about all those feelings and fears of loss again. Every time a symptom disappears or fades I am sure it's a sign that the end is coming. Every time I go to the bathroom I am afraid of what I will find. Every cramp or twinge I am afraid of what it means. Every ultrasound I wait until I hear Dr. L or G say it moved or there's its heartbeat before I can breathe a sigh of relief. It feels as if I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I am anticipating the inevitable. All I want to do is enjoy being pregnant and celebrate the miracle that is growing inside me but I am having difficulty doing that.
With some amazing love and support from G, Dr. L, Dr. M, Nurse J and Nurse K I have been able to semi-cope with the first trimester. They have listened to my rantings, fears and provided me with weekly ultrasounds keeping me from going completely insane. Though my fears are still very much a part of me they have subsided a little after seeing my little squirt and hearing its amazing heartbeat. I thought that entering the second trimester would do more to ease those fears but instead I now have these overwhelming feelings of needing to protect my little one on top of being scared of losing it. It's hard to believe what infertility does to us emotionally and physically. Sometimes those scars are deeper than we know. I'd like to say those fears will go away once I am holding that baby in my arms, but I am sure they will just be replaced with new ones!