Friday, May 3, 2013

Transitioning From RE to OB

For years I have been looking forward to the day that I would "graduate" from Dr. L and transition to an OB. It was a milestone that I wasn't sure I would ever get to experience. Now that the day has come I am finding it to be much more difficult than I ever expected.

When I first started seeing Dr. L I wasn't sure what infertility treatments would be like let alone just how difficult they would be. They are anxiety ridden, emotionally stressful as well as physically challenging. Going into treatments we were full of hope that this would bring us the family we had been dreaming of. Unfortunately there aren't guarantees that they will be successful. There are also no guarantees that there won't be heartache along the way. Our journey has been filled with a wide range of treatments and emotions.

In the two and a half years I have been with Dr. L he has seen me at my best and my absolute worst and he has been there through it all. He was there to celebrate every positive pregnancy test as well as comfort G and I through our losses. He has always been there to reassure and encourage us through these trials. He knows my history and he knows how my body operates. When I found out I was pregnant this time he was there every week reassuring me as we watched the baby grow. He was there to help me through those scares when we thought I was losing another baby. Now we've made it to the second trimester and it is time to move to my new OB.

How do you make that leap when you have become so close and dependent on him and his office? Dr. O doesn't know me. She doesn't have the support of Nurse J and Nurse K who have been there the last few years. The OB team doesn't know what we've been through? How do you go from a practice that you trust to the unknown? How do you handle the anxiety of the transition?

As we make the transition we are on pins and needles. Dr. L has already let Dr. O know that I'm crazy...better she know what she is getting in to before she meets me. I don't know how we are going to handle not having weekly appointments especially since I can't feel the baby yet. How will I know the baby is ok? I'm trying not to let the anxiety overwhelm me but I'm not going to lie, it's difficult. I just have to continue to trust that my little one is ok and remember that the OB doesn't have to see me as often. God help G, because he's going to need it when I go nuts in between those appointments.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Pregnancy After Infertility and Miscarriage

More than anything in my life I want to be a mother.  It is what I have been dreaming about since I was a girl.  Obviously I never thought this would be the path that we would take to get there, but nonetheless it is my dream.  Now that I am pregnant I didn't realize just how difficult it would be coping with pregnancy.  I am not talking about the nausea, breast tenderness, mood swings or fatigue.  No, I am talking about actually struggling with accepting the fact that I am pregnant.  How can getting the one thing that I have been dreaming of for so many years  cause so much anxiety and fear?

I remember reading an article years ago about women struggling with being pregnant after suffering with infertility.  I could not believe that these women weren't happy now that they had what they wanted.  How could they be so selfish?  I would give anything to be in their situation.  Today, I eat those words!  My first trimester I had the normal pregnancy symptoms and for those I was thankful, but there were a few scares along the way too.  I have had multiple occasions where I thought I was losing my baby, again!  This sent me into a tailspin of fears, doubts, anxiety and a little depression.  I was one of those women.  I was afraid of being pregnant.

I have always said that infertility is a part of me.  It has made me and my marriage what it is today.  I guess I never realized just how deep down those feelings were embedded in me.  I knew that I had mourned our losses and learned to accept our fate when it came to growing our family  but I didn't realize how much fear I still had. Infertility has made me insecure about my pregnancy and brought about all those feelings and fears of loss again.  Every time a symptom disappears or fades I am sure it's a sign that the end is coming.  Every time I go to the bathroom I am afraid of what I will find.  Every cramp or twinge I am afraid of what it means.  Every ultrasound I wait until I hear Dr. L or G say it moved or there's its heartbeat before I can breathe a sigh of relief.  It feels as if I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I am anticipating the inevitable.  All I want to do is enjoy being pregnant and celebrate the miracle that is growing inside me but I am having difficulty doing that.

With some amazing love and support from G, Dr. L, Dr. M, Nurse J and Nurse K I have been able to semi-cope with the first trimester.  They have listened to my rantings, fears and provided me with weekly ultrasounds keeping me from going completely insane.  Though my fears are still very much a part of me they have subsided a little after seeing my little squirt and hearing its amazing heartbeat. I thought that entering the second trimester would do more to ease those fears but instead I now have these overwhelming feelings of needing to protect my little one on top of being scared of losing it. It's hard to believe what infertility does to us emotionally and physically.  Sometimes those scars are deeper than we know. I'd like to say those fears will go away once I am holding that baby in my arms, but I am sure they will just be replaced with new ones!