So much of my journey to having a family has been filled with waiting. For years I endured fertility treatments and the waiting that comes with them. I waited for biopsies. I waited until a certain day in my cycle to start the next round of treatments. I waited for follicles to grow. I waited for trigger shots to work. I waited for egg retrievals and fertilization reports. I waited to see if my embryos survived the thaw. I waited anxiously for two weeks every month to see if I was pregnant. I waited for blood test results. I waited to hear the news that I was pregnant. I waited for my hormones to normalize after my miscarriages so I could try again. I stopped fertility treatments and yet here I am again...waiting.
I am so excited about our adoption and yet I am struggling with letting go of the past. Now that we are adopting, my infertility and all those feelings did not miraculously disappear. Infertility is still a part of who I am. It's so strange to have so many mixed feelings. I don't miss the stress, the anxiety, the fears or the sadness that come with fertility treatments. In fact, that has been the best part of our changing directions. However, I am finding that the waiting is still ever present. Now we are waiting to complete the home study. Once that is done we will begin the wait for our application to be processed and on the approval by the adoption agency. Then comes the worst wait of all; being picked by the birth parents.
Patience is not a skill that I have been able to master. I am definitely a "get it done now" type of girl; if it can be fixed, fix it. I can tell you without a doubt that my infertility has taught me that I have no control over time or the outcome when it comes to my having a family. If you would have asked me 18 years ago what my life would look like today, this would have never been on my radar. I never thought I would be waiting so long to have my first child. I never thought I would have to wait for someone else to choose me to be the mother of my child.
What's the saying, "The best things in life are worth waiting for"? I know that my child is definitely worth the wait, but if he/she could hurry up into our lives, mommy would appreciate it!