I have mentioned in a previous post about the stick figures on the back of people’s car windows and how I look at them longingly, as cheesy as they are. This past weekend G and I were driving on the interstate and came up on a vehicle that had five little figures. We just looked at each other and let it pass without speaking a word. As we continued the drive home I could feel the emotions welling up inside me. My heart was breaking and my mind was swimming with jealousy. Why do they get five when I have been begging for years for one?
It has been two months since our last unsuccessful cycle. Once we made our decision to move on to adoption I have felt completely at peace with our choice. I have had three positive pregnancy tests while on this journey and not once did I ever feel like one of those babies would come home with me. The adoption process has finally made me believe that one day I truly will be a mother. So why did the stick figure family cause those old feelings to come back up? Why was I experiencing feelings of joy and excitement, while at the same time feelings of jealousy and sadness? It was as if I was 95% complete, but there was this one small place in my heart that was still empty.
I have had feelings of emptiness many times while on our infertility journey but these feelings were different. I was feeling so conflicted, both happy and sad at the same time. I was feeling the joy and excitement of planning for the adopted child that is surely coming our way as well as the sadness of my empty womb. The sadness I was feeling was not the usual sadness I felt because of my infertility. No, it was because of the last miscarriage. I suddenly realized that the due date for my last miscarriage is in a few weeks. All the pain that G and I went through after that loss was back. My womb is empty and my heart is aching. It’s hard to believe that it has been seven months since our last loss. If you would have asked me last July if I ever thought I would survive that miscarriage I would have said without a doubt, “NO!”
G and I did survive and have once again made it through one of the hardest times in our lives. Am I happy that we have suffered so much pain and loss? Of course not, but I am thankful for what these struggles have done for me. They have made me stronger, more compassionate, and more loving. Most of all, they helped me to know that I can love any child unconditionally. I had to go through all those procedures, all those injections, all those failed cycles and all those losses to be able to move on. We had to know that we did everything we could for a biological family before we could move forward with adoption. Dr. L gave me the peace that I needed to make that decision.
So as I sit here tonight thinking about those little angels I lost, I am thankful they opened my heart to the child that will soon be joining our family!