Monday, February 4, 2013

Behind Closed Doors

Over the last few weeks G and I have worked on getting some long overdue tasks done around the house in preparation for our home study.  I guess you could say that I am really getting into the "nesting" mode.   The cleaning or "nesting" got me thinking about the baby that will soon be part of our lives and those maternal instincts that have started to kick in.  It's funny because, even though I am not pregnant I still have so many of those feelings that come with hearing the news that you are going to be a parent.  No matter how the baby comes into your lives those emotions are at the forefront of your mind.

Since my first pregnancy (really since the day we told my mom we were trying to get pregnant) I have had a hope chest with things for the baby.  As the years passed without a little one joining our family, the chest has really turned into 3 storage bins and several large items lying around the unused nursery.  Friends and loved ones have been so amazing with giving us trinkets and hand-me-downs.  So this past Friday I decided it was time to tackle the room that I have been avoiding for so long.

It has been a year and a half since the tree fell on our house from hurricane Irene.  The tree demolished the room that was going to be the nursery and it had to be completely redone.  We decided to take advantage of having a professional painter and stepped out on faith to have the room painted like an actual nursery.  As hard as it was we carefully chose a beautiful tranquil color for the room that our baby was sure to occupy very soon.  After we moved back into the house it became very difficult for me to look at that empty space every day.  It was beautiful, but it was a constant reminder that I was still not pregnant.  For over a year now that room has been closed off to avoid the emotional breakdowns that came with me seeing it.  Out of sight out of mind so to speak.

As I opened the door and took in the room the biggest smile began to creep on to my face.  I looked around and could just imagine the completed room.  Since my first positive pregnancy test years ago I had this idea of what I wanted the nursery to look like.  I could see the rolling hills on the walls with the clouds on the ceiling.  For the first time in a very long time I felt as if this was real. My baby was going to be lying in its crib in that very room sometime in the near future.  It was an amazing feeling.  I was able to sort through the items and decide what was going and what was staying.  It felt so cathartic.  That is until I got to the breast pump...commence breakdown!

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  There are so many things that I am really OK with not experiencing through having a biological child.  Having been pregnant a few times and struggling with nausea in general I am just fine with not having morning sickness.  I am OK with not having stretch marks, hemorrhoids, back and leg pain, extreme fatigue and honestly never having to worry if I am going to have a miscarriage again.  I am not going to lie, I can't say that I am going to miss the pain of giving birth.  G and I have talked many times about the pros of my not carrying our child and I truly am OK with it.  So what caused me to tailspin into the tears and sadness?

Seeing the breast pump I began to think about all the things that I wanted to experience with my own pregnancy.  I will never be able to breast feed my baby and have that bonding that comes with nursing.  I will never feel my baby moving in my body which is something I imagined with every pregnancy. G will never get to feel the baby kick while rubbing my stomach.  I will never have an ultrasound photo of our child.  I won't be able to see the baby grow while inside me.

I sat there for a while letting the tears stream down my face as I sort of mourned the thoughts of carrying my biological child and then it dawned on me.  Yes, I will miss a few things from not giving birth myself, but G and I will have a lifetime of firsts that only we will get to experience.  The first time I get to rock my baby while feeding him/her will make all those feelings of missing out melt away.

7 comments:

  1. Your feelings are totally understandable hun! Continue to think of all the amazing things to come!! ((hugs))

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  2. Even when you have your baby you will probably have moments of greiving. You have lost babies and they will always be a part of you. My eyes are filled with tears as I read this.

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  3. I have both a smile and tears as I read this post. So moving and so honest. I can not wait to see your journey to bringing that baby home!

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  4. I am sure that the going back and forth of emotions is completely normal when going from IF to adoption. I am so proud of you!!!

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  5. Love love love this!

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  6. Oh hun, I am holding your hand very very tight!

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  7. Beautiful, your attitude is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! Praying for you guys :)

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