Monday, January 7, 2013

What Are You Afraid Of?

G is a very inward person when it comes to his emotions.  I am always asking him, “What are you afraid of?”  It’s one of the few times that I can get him to tell me what he is thinking.  However, I guess I have never really thought about my own responses to that question.  I know that I have some canned answers that a lot of people are afraid of…poisonous spiders, snakes and slight phobias to heights and confined spaces.  But I guess the real question is what am I really afraid of?   What are those fears that I would not normally say out loud?

1. Loss – Don’t get me wrong I don’t like losing when it comes to playing games and I can't stand it when the Vols lose, but that is not what I am talking about.  I’m talking about actual loss.  Some of the most painful times in my life have come with saying goodbye.  A large part of my adult years have been filled with loss.  G and I have lost all of our grandparents, multiple pregnancies, friendships and have had to say goodbye more times than I care to admit.

2. Making the wrong decision – I have always been a person that worries that I am doing something wrong.  I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions constantly and not only affecting my life but G’s with those choices.  I struggle with questioning my decisions over and over again.  I am so afraid of making the wrong choice in this journey and causing more pain and heartache.

3. Disappointing others – I hate disappointment.  Not just my own disappointments, but disappointing others. I spend so much of my time worrying about others and their feelings that I tend to stress myself more than necessary.  I am so afraid of disappointing G, my family, my doctor and my friends with my decisions when it comes to this journey.   I fear that they will be disappointed in me if I’m not able to have a biological child.

4. Being Childless – This is my greatest fear of all. I have an irrational fear of never being a mother.  It constantly eats away at me and causes so much stress in my life.  I fear that I will never experience that unconditional love between a mother and child. I fear a life that never involves changing dirty diapers, onesies, cleaning bottles, first day of school, gymnastics recitals, softball practices, birthday parties, graduations, weddings…the list could go on and on.  If we do end up stopping fertility treatments then I have fears that a birth mother will never choose me, leaving me childless once again.

Though many of these fears may seem irrational to some, they are very real to me.  I believe that many people on this journey struggle with similar feelings and fears.  Infertility is a difficult process and can muster a multitude of emotions.  We do our best to bury those feelings and cope with the day to day, but there is no way to make them permanently disappear.  I do the best I can and some days are better than others.  I continue to have hope that those fears will fade the first time I hold my baby in my arms!

4 comments:

  1. I struggle with so many fears on this journey too. I admire your strength in admitting your fears!

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  2. Oh Hun, I know that this is so hard for you and you will go back and forth with your emotions. Fears are normal. I hope you don't get discouraged.

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  3. I do the best I can with my fears but I struggle with so much to.

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  4. I completely understand where you are coming from. I have so many fears with my own IF and thinking about doing another IVF or move to adoption.

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