Before G and I ever started trying to conceive my response to starting my period was something like this, “Ugh, my period is here...again!” As we were getting ready to begin fertility treatments it became, “Hooray, my period is here now we can start injections.” After months of unsuccessful tries it turned into, “Son of a bitch, my period is here…let’s get this show on the road so we can start the next round.” After years of trying to conceive without successfully carrying a baby to term led to “My period is here, I’m not pregnant and I’m never going to be a mother" while crying hysterically. Each failed cycle since the last miscarriage has turned into days of lying in bed crying at commercials, movies and TV shows with any mention of children, pregnancy, mothers, abortions, miscarriages, etc.
It’s amazing to me how infertility can take you from a light-hearted care free attitude to an emotionally bankrupt person. My smiles come far less often than they once did and those triggers can take them away much more quickly than they came. I think it’s difficult for others to understand the toll that infertility and miscarriage takes on a person. Every month that a cycle is unsuccessful it causes the grieving process to happen once again; reopening those wounds that have barely started to heal from the previous try. Every period is a reminder to the woman that she is not a mother.
It takes great strength and support to survive infertility and I am thankful to have an amazing support system by my side! I know that I will always have a scar from this journey, but I look forward to the day that I can hold my baby and the pain fades away. I will never forget this journey and how far I have come!