We often hear the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” when it comes to relationships and breakups. For one person in the relationship it is finality; an end to incompatibility, a situation or problem. For the other (the one being broken up with) it can be a heartbreaking event with no real answers as to why. Funny thing is that phrase also holds true with infertility.
In a heated discussion with G about our decision to continue with fertility treatments or move to adoption I actually used the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me!” As quickly as the words came out of my mouth I wanted them back in. I hated that I said it because it felt well, cliché and I knew that it was going to be hurtful too. I was trying to explain to him how I felt and why it is so difficult for me to make this decision. He couldn’t understand the fears and guilt I was having about possibly changing paths. I have long since felt responsible for our infertility journey. I am the one that had cancer, I am the one that does not ovulate on my own and I am the one whose body can not seem to carry a child to term. I felt as if my body’s failures were sending us in this direction forcing us to choose. So in my mind the statement was true…It is me!
The decision to move to adoption or not is a truly difficult one. There are so many factors and emotions to consider before you can take that leap. It’s not a switch that can just be flipped and ta-da you’re ready to adopt. For me the emotions are in hyper-overdrive. First I struggle with the fact that I can get pregnant. I have been able to conceive three times but have never been able to bring a baby home. Therein lies the second issue…no baby carried to term. I wonder if I would be on the fence with my decision had I never gotten pregnant. Would I have just accepted the fact that I could never get pregnant? Would I have just assumed the cancer had done more damage than the doctors thought? Sadly these are questions that I will never have the answer to and now the decision is up to me. Once again, it's me!!!