Monday, January 14, 2013

It’s Not You, It’s Me!

We often hear the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” when it comes to relationships and breakups.  For one person in the relationship it is finality; an end to incompatibility, a situation or problem.  For the other (the one being broken up with) it can be a heartbreaking event with no real answers as to why.  Funny thing is that phrase also holds true with infertility. 

In a heated discussion with G about our decision to continue with fertility treatments or move to adoption I actually used the phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me!”  As quickly as the words came out of my mouth I wanted them back in.  I hated that I said it because it felt well, cliché and I knew that it was going to be hurtful too.  I was trying to explain to him how I felt and why it is so difficult for me to make this decision.  He couldn’t understand the fears and guilt I was having about possibly changing paths.  I have long since felt responsible for our infertility journey.  I am the one that had cancer, I am the one that does not ovulate on my own and I am the one whose body can not seem to carry a child to term.  I felt as if my body’s failures were sending us in this direction forcing us to choose.  So in my mind the statement was true…It is me!

The decision to move to adoption or not is a truly difficult one.  There are so many factors and emotions to consider before you can take that leap.  It’s not a switch that can just be flipped and ta-da you’re ready to adopt.  For me the emotions are in hyper-overdrive.  First I struggle with the fact that I can get pregnant.  I have been able to conceive three times but have never been able to bring a baby home.  Therein lies the second issue…no baby carried to term.  I wonder if I would be on the fence with my decision had I never gotten pregnant.  Would I have just accepted the fact that I could never get pregnant?  Would I have just assumed the cancer had done more damage than the doctors thought?  Sadly these are questions that I will never have the answer to and now the decision is up to me.  Once again, it's me!!!

6 comments:

  1. Oh Hun, praying for you and your decision. You will be an awesome mom no matter what choice you make.

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  2. ((hugs))

    I feel the same way. I have always wanted to adopt (albiet after having a couple of bio kid) and when talking with my husband about this a few years ago, he immediately said he'd never want to adopt because it wouldn't be "his kids."

    He's since changed his mind and while he still thinks he might not be able to bond to a child that wasn't his bio kid as well as a bio kid, I know he would be just fine. He has so much love that he just couldn't help it... he also thinks he might not "love" the child before it's born but I know that's not true, either!

    However, his comment has stuck with me. Especially now that we are facing infertility and I haven't been able to give him that bio child. And I worry because it IS me. And if it was him, I wouldn't care. But it's me. And it's you.

    And it effing sucks.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment! G is absolutely perfect with adopting. I am the one who has been on the fence. I am the one stressing about making the decision. He has been on board and ready to go...just waiting on me! I just have a lot of guilt about our infertility being my fault and that has made be hesitant in my decision!

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  3. I totally understand how you feel. I have PCOS and I feel like our infertility is my part and I am the one who is responsible for us not having kids. I truly appreciate your honesty about the difficulties in infertility and choosing if you should adopt.

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  4. Oh hun it's not you. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. Believe me I have had 4 IVFs and still have not had a baby or even been pregnant. You will be an awesome mum whether it is a bio baby or not. Hang in there luv!

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  5. You are a gorgeous, courageous and strong woman! You should not be feeling all this pain and guilt. You are not to blame for this. You have no control! In my heart I know that you will be a mother one way or another and can not wait to read your blog when you are! ((hugs))

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