I know it has been a while since I have written but honestly I just haven’t had the strength to put words on paper (or computer). G & I were a little more guarded and didn’t share with people that we were in the middle of the two week wait when I took a blogging break for the holidays. We were so positive about this try and honestly we were expecting to be able to make the announcement I was pregnant very soon. Everything about this try seemed perfect. To my complete and utter shock we found out on Christmas day, once again, that I was not pregnant. My heart has been crushed with this try being unsuccessful and it is leading us to make some very hard decisions in our lives with regards to growing our family.
When I learned over two years ago that my cancer was gone and I was not going to have a hysterectomy I was overjoyed. I was sure that I was healed to have a biological child. When I got pregnant on my second try of fertility treatments I was even more positive that our baby was going to be biologically linked to G & I. Though my hope has waivered at times I have continued to have faith that it would happen if I just gave it time. Well here we are 27 months later two miscarriages, one chemical pregnancy, umpteen failed cycles, anemic bank account and still no baby. So where does that leave us? Honestly…I don’t know!
With the New Year it is common practice to leave the past behind and look to the future but with infertility that is far easier said than done! As I sit here typing, with tears streaming down my face, I am forced to think about our future while factoring in the past. The past procedures, pains and losses have made me who I am today; they have made my marriage what it is today. For that, I am truly grateful but they are not just in the past, they are things I deal with on a daily basis. They are things that continue to cause heartache and pain in my present. My past plays a large part in the decisions that have to be made…how much more can we endure?
We have three choices when it comes to our family. G & I have discussed at length our options and the pros and cons of each decision. We can continue to endure fertility treatments hoping and praying that one will finally work and lead to a successful birth. We can take the leap and move towards adopting and all the obstacles that come with that decision. We can make the decision to live a child-free life. For us there are truly only two decisions; continue with fertility treatments or adoption. We have no desire to live the rest of our lives without children. I want to be a mother more than anything but I am not getting any younger and we have to factor age into the mix as well. How do we make this decision? What if we make the wrong decision? I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future to know which path to take.
I have so many fears with each decision, some that are irrational I know, but they are very real to me! If we continue with fertility treatments we are accepting the pain of each failed cycle. We are subjecting ourselves to the possibility of another loss. We are committing all excess funds to treatments. We are delaying the chance of adopting indefinitely. These are all things we have accepted in the past and felt the reward far outweighed the risk. Now I’m not so sure. If we choose not to proceed with more treatments then I feel as if I am quitting, that I am a failure and I am admitting defeat. I feel like I would be letting down Dr. L, our parents and most of all G. The pain is so great at times I just don’t know that I can put myself through it any longer.
Adoption, well that’s an entirely different choice that has its own set of fears and trials. Adopting means we are accepting our child will never be biologically linked to us. It means that we will have to raise another $35,000+ to be able to grow our family. It means that we are committing once again to an indefinite timeframe of when our child will join our family. It means tons of paperwork, background checks, physicals, meetings and lawyers. Besides the minutia involved with the adoption process I have fears of not being chosen by a birth mother, the birth mother changing her mind or the baby not bonding with me. I know that these are all things that I can deal with I mean good grief, if I can beat cancer, survive infertility and miscarriage surely I can get through adoption too with a little help from Dr. M, Dr. L & G.
So many decisions involved with an infertile life. I just don’t know why growing our family can’t be easier. We appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and support we can get we while make these decisions. We will have a baby; I’m just not sure which path it will take to get here!