Since G and I have made the decision to move to adoption my heart has been filled once again with hope, anticipation and feelings of peace. However the last couple of nights the mind of an infertile has come back full force. We as infertiles loathe all those "helpful" comments we get when someone learns about our infertility. We are quick to be offended, quip back or just break down in tears from the comments. The funny thing is that since making the decision to move to adoption, I am the one that keeps saying (or thinking) them.
It's been a month since our last failed cycle and I find myself falling back into the wishful thinking of an infertile. I can hear those comments echoing loudly in my head! "Why don't you just adopt and you will get pregnant." "My sister got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying!" "If you just relax you will get pregnant." I really thought by changing paths those feelings would disappear (or at least I had hoped). It took a lot of counseling and battles within my own mind to get to the point where I was ready to make the leap to adoption. I believe with all my heart that it is the right thing for G & I. Most days I am at total peace. Lately, amongst those restless nights I have actually found myself hoping that now I am adopting my body would miraculously decide that it wanted to work correctly on it's own and G and I would "accidentally" get pregnant. I know the likelihood that I will ever conceive on my own are next to nothing, but I still found myself hoping just a little bit.
All those feelings really got me thinking about the mind of an infertile. Will I always feel like an infertile? Will I always have that inkling of hope deep down that I will miraculously have a biological child too? Will I always have those insecurities that come with being infertile? I guess infertility is a part of me and it has helped shape me into the person I am today. I am so thankful for this journey, as hard as it has been, I am better for it. I have to believe that those infertile feelings will fade the first time I hold my baby and that moment can not come quick enough!