Thursday, December 13, 2012

Time and the Infertile

We have been on this journey for almost 5 years now.  As I type that, it is really hard to believe that it has been that long.  It really feels like one big blur now.  I used to keep up with how many cycles we’ve done and whether they were medication only, IUIs or IVF.  Now I honestly don’t think I can tell you how many times we have tried assisted reproductive technology (ART).  I was talking to Dr. L and couldn’t remember what # try we were on since the miscarriage.  I guess that is both good and bad. 

The good is that I am no longer focused on how long it has been or what we have been through.  I am no longer measuring my time in reference to the last miscarriage.  Don’t misunderstand, that miscarriage is nowhere near forgotten it just doesn’t serve as a reference point for time any longer.  Time just seems to be passing.  The bad is that the time is passing and I have nothing to show for it.  I have no successful pregnancies and I can’t tell you anything significant that we have done in that time.  It just appears to be one massive cycle of fertility treatments with no definitive separation.

G and I have often said that there are points on this journey where you become numb.  Numb to the fears, numb to the time and numb to the procedures.  They just become a part of your life and at times it feels as if you are just going through the motions. This is a difficult valley to be in and it is far harder to climb out of.  You have to make the conscious effort to pull yourself out of that pit of despair and bring back the excitement of each try otherwise you will bury yourself in self pity and sadness.  We have been in that pit several times over the last 5 years but with each other and a little help from Dr. L and Dr. M have been able to pull ourselves out and continue the journey.

Infertility treatments are not for the faint of heart.  They are emotional, depressing, stressful and at times very painful.  An outsider truly has no understanding of the strength it takes to survive infertility.  I know that we will survive infertility and come out with a victory!!!  I can't wait to share that little miracle!

2 comments:

  1. I truly admire your strength. I pray that you will have that victory to share very soon! ((hugs))

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  2. I am so glad that you wrote about this today. I have been going through this now and feel like we are just going through the motions and not sure if we want to keep going anymore. Your blogs always seem to be so timely and I thank you for being so transparent! Baby dust to you!

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