Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!

OK I am really pulling out my geek flag on this one, G will be so proud.  Anyway, I was sitting at my desk today and for some odd reason this quote came into my head and I just couldn’t forget it.  I haven’t seen Galaxy Quest in years so I’m not sure where it came from, but after thinking about it for a while and repeating it over and over in my head I realized that it is very pertinent to my fertility journey.  Never give up! Never surrender!

I decided to look up the word surrender in the dictionary.  It means:  to give over or resign oneself to something; to give up or abandon.  Ha, that is so perfect when it comes to my infertility.  Since my last miscarriage I think I had resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be a mother, at least not biologically.  I was giving in to my fears and abandoning my hope.  So in essence I had already surrendered even though I was going through the motions of the fertility treatments.  There was a number of tries to do before moving on to the inevitable.

I didn’t actually know that's what I was doing until last night when I was crying on G’s shoulder.  He helped me realize I was putting up my protective barriers and giving up.  I was accepting my defeat and waving my white flag.  I had this “set” amount of time that I had placed on my trying to conceive journey and was trying to protect my heart from more pain.  If I controlled the limits and drew the line in the sand of when we were done then it would prevent the heartache of being forced to stop.  I was my own stumbling block.  I was telling Dr. L when we were done instead of letting him guide me.  I was putting limits on what God could do.

So after that realization I have renewed hope for where this journey is going.  I will continue to listen to my wonderful husband, Dr. L, Dr. M, my pastor and of course God when it comes to this journey.  I will allow them to better guide my decisions.  God help me, I am putting down my protective shield and allowing this journey to take me wherever I need to go!  I guess it’s a little ironic…I’m not surrendering to my infertility I am surrendering to God!

4 comments:

  1. Your strength amazes me! Hopeing you get your miracle very soon!

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  2. I am so proud of you Hun! Keep on and you will have your babe!

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  3. I love reading your blog. You are truly an inspiration to so many people that struggle with IF.

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  4. You are an amazing woman! I wish I had your strength.

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