OK I am really pulling out my geek flag on this one, G will be so proud. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk today and for some odd reason this quote came into my head and I just couldn’t forget it. I haven’t seen Galaxy Quest in years so I’m not sure where it came from, but after thinking about it for a while and repeating it over and over in my head I realized that it is very pertinent to my fertility journey. Never give up! Never surrender!
I decided to look up the word surrender in the dictionary. It means: to give over or resign oneself to something; to give up or abandon. Ha, that is so perfect when it comes to my infertility. Since my last miscarriage I think I had resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be a mother, at least not biologically. I was giving in to my fears and abandoning my hope. So in essence I had already surrendered even though I was going through the motions of the fertility treatments. There was a number of tries to do before moving on to the inevitable.
I didn’t actually know that's what I was doing until last night when I was crying on G’s shoulder. He helped me realize I was putting up my protective barriers and giving up. I was accepting my defeat and waving my white flag. I had this “set” amount of time that I had placed on my trying to conceive journey and was trying to protect my heart from more pain. If I controlled the limits and drew the line in the sand of when we were done then it would prevent the heartache of being forced to stop. I was my own stumbling block. I was telling Dr. L when we were done instead of letting him guide me. I was putting limits on what God could do.
So after that realization I have renewed hope for where this journey is going. I will continue to listen to my wonderful husband, Dr. L, Dr. M, my pastor and of course God when it comes to this journey. I will allow them to better guide my decisions. God help me, I am putting down my protective shield and allowing this journey to take me wherever I need to go! I guess it’s a little ironic…I’m not surrendering to my infertility I am surrendering to God!