As the New Year approaches, the pain of losing our first pregnancy two years ago is beginning to creep back into my mind. We had just told our family and some very close friends that we were pregnant and had celebrated with them on New Year’s Eve only to be painfully awoken the next day to losing the baby. I guess not enough time has passed to quite ease that pain or maybe it is the fact that we have had multiple losses since then but whatever the reason it is still at the forefront of my mind today.
For several weeks after that first loss my life was a living hell. Tears would stream down my face as I stood in the shower washing my stomach thinking of my empty womb. I would sit in the bathroom floor sobbing as my husband stroked my hair trying desperately to ease my pain. I would cry out in my sleep with nightmares of that loss over and over. I couldn’t bring myself to go to work let alone face the world. My life as I knew it came to an abrupt halt. How could something so small, something I had never met, something that I could never hold have such a strong grip on my heart? It was genetically made up of me and the man I loved…It was part of me. I was already in love.
Why would I want to relive this pain now? Why would I want to share my heartache with the world? One word…HOPE. Because of that very first pregnancy I have hope. That little miracle, albeit short lived, allowed us and my medical team to see that I have the ability to get pregnant. It allowed me to believe that my body was not totally broken and I could indeed have that biological child that we have been longing for. That pregnancy, and the two that followed, have given me the extra hope that I needed to believe that miracles do happen. Yes I have not been able to carry that baby to term as of yet, but I do believe that my day is coming. I trust Dr. L with all of my heart and I know that if we don’t try there is NO chance that we will have that biological baby!
We just have to continue to have hope, faith and pray for that little miracle!