Lately I have been having nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night. Often they're giant snakes chasing Sherlock Holmes and me down the road while spitting venomous balls at us…you know, typical dreams. However over the last several nights they are hitting a little closer to home and filling my head with thoughts of doubt.
- I should have gotten a second opinion sooner. Then maybe I would have more time before I am “too old” to have kids.
- I should have started trying to get pregnant in high school then maybe I would have caught up by now.
- I should have lost more weight and given up caffeine before we started trying to get pregnant then maybe I wouldn't have had my first miscarriage.
- I should like chocolate like everyone else. OK, maybe that one doesn’t really haunt me, but it is a thought.
These thoughts do more than disturb my sleep they also haunt my waking thoughts. I know that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened in the past, but that doesn’t stop me from “shoulding” all over the place. If only I had done these things sooner then I could or would have my baby now. If only there was a road map to life that tells you the direction you “should” go. It sure would make my life easier and keep me from second guessing myself on everything not just the big things. I SHOULD go to the grocery store on Thursday instead of Friday. I SHOULD be nicer to these people. I SHOULD continue on the path Dr. L suggests. I SHOULD NOT eat a bag of Doritos. Should is a word that gives us the ability to have guilt when things don’t turn out as we planned. I fear that I will always wonder what I SHOULD have done differently when it comes to having a baby; especially if we never have a biological child! Should have, could have, would have...right?