Thursday, November 1, 2012

How Many Times?

Eighteen years ago I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in my mid 30s, a cancer survivor, have multiple miscarriages and be struggling with infertility.  I wanted the fairytale life with G…Happy marriage, 3 kids and a beautiful home to raise them in.  Today I find myself standing on this road that I never planned, never asked for and quite honestly I am wondering how in the hell I got here. 

There are so many times during this journey that I have felt like giving up.  There have been those moments where I was just too tired of holding on.  I could feel the grip on my life slipping away.  I could feel the vices getting tighter and tighter around my chest and the breath to keep going fading.  Yet there was something inside of me that just couldn’t let go.  I just couldn’t move on; not yet.

How many times was I going to try and climb this mountain?   How many times was I going to get back up when I came tumbling down?  How many times could I survive another failed cycle?  How many times could I suffer another loss?  How many times could I just stop breathing?  What is it that’s keeping me on this path?  

Every time I felt like I couldn't possibly take one more breath, every time I felt as if I couldn’t take one more step and every time I could feel my fingers lose their grip my strength has been renewed.  I have continued to have hope and faith on this journey.  Don’t get me wrong they have both waned at times during my struggles, but something always brings me back.  We have continued to ask God for guidance when it comes to us growing our family and everything leads us down this road. 

This is not a straight paved road, it’s a road filled with hairpin turns, gravel and downed trees, but it is the road we have chosen.  Though it has it’s own obstacles what’s at the end of it far outweighs anything that I am going through now.  I want to believe that there is meaning for our struggles.  I am not sure what that meaning is, but I do know that because of this journey, G and I will be the most amazingly thankful parents when we have our little one!



Romans 5:2-5 (ESV)  - Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

3 comments:

  1. I completely understand. Infertility Sucks!!!

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  2. I love this post, I think everyone dealing with IF has felt the same at so time, but we at often too afraid to voice it. Good for you for sharing your struggles! I truly believe that not only will you be amazingly grateful, wonderful parents, but that your journey is going to touch many others' hearts! You can empathize with so many struggles, and I believe God will use that and not let your (our) struggles be in vain! Hang in there, God has a family for you, while it might be a different path to get there, the end will be that much sweeter. I believe that for you. Goodnight .

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love this post, I think everyone dealing with IF has felt the same at so time, but we at often too afraid to voice it. Good for you for sharing your struggles! I truly believe that not only will you be amazingly grateful, wonderful parents, but that your journey is going to touch many others' hearts! You can empathize with so many struggles, and I believe God will use that and not let your (our) struggles be in vain! Hang in there, God has a family for you, while it might be a different path to get there, the end will be that much sweeter. I believe that for you. Goodnight .

    ReplyDelete

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C