Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hope, Pain and Insanity

Hope springs when a new cycle begins.  Every shot brings us that much closer to having the baby we have been longing for.  Every ultrasound shows my body is that much closer to allowing conception to occur.  Every office visit is filled with encouragement from Dr. L and my favorite nurses.  Every procedure is reassurance that I am going to be a mother…that is until the 2 week wait.

The 2 week wait is a fickle bitch.  Her emotions range from joy, hope and excitement, to dread, desperation and despair.  I have learned over the last several years that the wait is split into 2 parts.  The first week is usually quite calm and filled with hope and anticipation.  The second week is when things begin to get ugly.  My hope weakens as the symptoms from my HCG injection fade and what I believe are PMS symptoms set in.  I cling to any sign or symptom that there is a chance that the cycle worked. As I become more and more convinced of its failure despair and depression set in.  All hope is not lost and the true pain doesn’t rear its ugly head until confirmation that the cycle was unsuccessful.

Pain is going into the doctor’s office before your blood test and seeing your favorite nurse tear up as she reads your facial expressions.  Pain is waiting for the dreaded call you know is coming from that same nurse saying, “I’m sorry Chrissy, but you’re not pregnant…this cycle didn’t work.”  Pain is looking into Dr. L’s eyes and hearing those words come out of his mouth saying, “I’m sorry Chrissy, but the baby is not growing and you are going to lose it.”  Pain is telling your parents that you have had another miscarriage.  Pain is the breath being knocked out of you as you realize that you are back at ground zero.  No surgeries, no shots and no painful procedures can compare to the pain of losing hope again!!!

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  The funny thing with infertility is through that insanity is where the reward comes from.  G and I are on a difficult path right now.  Every loss and every unsuccessful try causes heartache and depression.  We are so tired of making decisions that even the simplest of choices become difficult and we have no energy to get there.  Hearing those words that the cycle was unsuccessful or that we are going to lose another baby drains that hope and causes extreme pain. The climb to get out of the pit of emotional despair after these trials is difficult and requires great resolve and yes insanity.  We continue on this path of hope, pain and insanity because we know that the blessing that will come from our perseverance will far out-weigh anything we are going through now. 

8 comments:

  1. Oh Hun, I am so sorry you have gone through all of this. Praying that God will give you your miracle very soon! xoxox

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  2. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading this. I pray that your pain will end very soon!

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  3. Now you made me cry. Still praying for you!

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  4. Your honesty and bravery continue to amaze me. Thanks for opening your heart and sharing with the world!

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  5. My heart is breaking just thinking about what you have been through. Stay strong!

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  6. You are so brave and such an inspiration! I hope one day your dreams will be fulfilled!

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  7. Your ability to put into words what so many are feeling is amazing. Hoping that you get your baby soon!

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  8. I have so much admiration for you and what you are doing. Fingers crossed for your little one!

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C