Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Failing!

Have you ever had those times where you feel like a failure when it comes to your life?  I am sure most everyone has had those feelings at one point or another.  I think those struggling with infertility have felt it a little more than others.  I am currently in that frame of mind.  No, I don’t like it and yes, I know that it is not all reality, but the feelings are there nonetheless.

Today I am overwhelmed with the holidays and what that means.  They often revolve around family and friends which brings reality to the fact that we are still a family of two.  I realized that I would have been over 5 months along had I not miscarried in July which is really amplifying those feelings of failure.  I struggle with hormone induced depression while going through treatments and this week just happens to be the hormonal overload.  These are the things where I feel like I am a failure.

  1. Making G a father.
  2. Making our parents grandparents.
  3. Keeping the weight off; which seems to be much harder when you are struggling with keeping sane and warding off infertility depression.
  4. Keeping up my exercise routine.
  5. Being a good friend and keeping in touch with those I love.
  6. Keeping my house in some semblance of order.
  7. Being a good daughter by keeping in touch or visiting my mom more.
  8. Being the wife I was before this roller coaster!
  9. My body is broken!
  10. HAVING A BABY!!!!
Knowing that I can get pregnant, but have not been able to carry that baby to term is very hard and makes me feel like my body is failing.  Really I want to scream, cry and run away from this life sometimes.  The fears of the cancer returning, the struggles of infertility, the lost babies are sometimes more than I feel like I can handle!  I am trying to make things right, I am trying to be the person I want to be, but sometimes I think I am failing at this life!!!

Wow...Pity Party for One, huh!

5 comments:

  1. Oh Hun, you are not failing. It's just taking longer than you thought it would. I think we have all felt like you at some point during our infertility. Still praying!

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  2. I don't know what it is about your posts, but you really touch me and I just appreciate that you are so honest. I hope that you get your BFP keeper very soon!

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  3. You are not failing at all you are just taking your time! Baby dust!

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  4. Its not failing its just not now. Hopefully this next time will be the one!

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  5. So praying for you!

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C