Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Blessings Despite Infertility

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite times of year; with football, brisk days, beautiful skylines, apple picking and pumpkin cheesecake.  It signifies the changing of seasons and harvest time, which for an infertile can be a reminder that we are not fruitful, the passing of our dreams, disappointments and our unfilled goals.  While on this journey, there have been many a holiday where my future and my life felt uncertain…and this year is no different.   I know that it’s hard to look at your life through your struggles and think about being grateful for the things you have.  After a lot of reflection I have decided to share some of the things that I am truly thankful for in my life and this journey.
  1. I am thankful for life -  After experiencing multiple miscarriages I know just how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. For that I am thankful for the life I have and those that are in it!
  2. I am thankful for my marriage –  After my cancer diagnosis I was so insecure that I thought my inability to have children would cause G to stop loving me.  If I couldn’t give him a baby why would he want to stay with me?  I even told him I understood if he wanted to leave me.  I know it is silly but I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t have a family.  However through all the cancer treatments, surgeries, infertility and miscarriages God revealed just how great G’s love is for me.  We have been tested, twisted and have suffered great losses, but there is no doubt in my mind that we can get through anything TOGETHER!  Cancer and infertility may have bent our marriage but we refused to let it break us.  I am thankful that my struggles gave me the security and assurance in my husband’s love.  
  3. I am thankful for every tear I shed – I know that this probably seems silly, but it is true.  Each tear I shed has helped me cope a little more with the longing and desires of my heart to become a mother.  Each tear allowed me to express the numerous heartaches we have had.  The stresses of this life have been overwhelming at times and I wondered if they mattered to anyone.  My tears are often, they are in public, they are in private and sometimes are a surprise.  I have come to realize that when my heart was truly broken and those tears streamed down my face I could cry out to God.  I could feel myself growing closer to Him through these pains.  I know that despite all that we have been through the tears will one day stop because of the family that is coming.
  4. I am thankful for new relationships - I have had several new relationships prosper from this journey.  Because of my struggles I have met 3 amazing doctors in Dr. L, Dr. M and Dr.B.  They have provided us much guidance and comfort during a difficult time.  I have also been privileged to have an amazing nurse that has been by my side through many tears offering encouragement to stay on this path.  Through a surprise glitch with Facebook technology I met an amazing woman who had similar struggles as me and has been a fantastic cheerleader.  No matter whether this journey ends with a biological child or not I know that I have some amazing new people in my life that will help us take that next step in growing our family!
  5. I am thankful for this blog – I never thought I would be able share my story with others.  I have been so ashamed of my cancer, infertility and miscarriages that I didn’t want to be judged by others.  Through the urging of my doctors, pastor and husband I got out of my own way and opened up to others.  Letting my guard down has allowed me to grieve my losses, understand that I am not alone and that my feelings are completely normal.  I have been able to empathize and ease the pain of others struggling with the same issues.  I am thankful that my story is helping others!

I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving and I encourage you to take a moment and amidst your struggles find some things that you are thankful for.  Believe me…if you look hard enough you will find some blessings!!!

6 comments:

  1. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I know it is difficult but your stories are so inspiring and your humor eases the pain of a painful experience. I wish you and your family I happy thanksgiving!

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  2. Happy Thanksgiving Hun! We are thankful for you!

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  3. Thanks so much for sharing your heart hun!

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  4. Thanks for sharing and reminding me of what I do have. I have really been down about this holiday and you have put it into perspective. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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  5. Happy Thanksgiving Hun!

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  6. Thanks for the reminder!

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