Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Avoidance, Another Year and a Noose

I have always been a fairly social person and really enjoy being around other people.  This year I have done a complete 180 and have become pretty anti-social.  I have managed to keep a fairly small group of people in my inner circle and shared with them the majority of our situation but to be honest there are many more that I have avoided.  Some I avoid because I don’t want to answer “Where are you with your infertility treatments?”  Some I avoid because they are going to announce that they are pregnant…again.  Some I avoid because they are going to tell me all the adorable things that their children have done and some I avoid because I just really don’t want to answer when asked, “How are you?”
“How are you?”  Seems like a simple question, but honestly if I unleashed all the thoughts and feelings that come to my mind when asked this question I would probably be admitted to a psych ward for observation.  If I am being honest, the best answer I can give right now is “I’m hanging in.”  Really if you think about it that is the best response for anyone on this infertility rollercoaster.  We hang in there and do the best we can to maintain a shred of sanity.  Some days we win and can find the joy in the little things.  Then there are those days when comfort food, crying hysterically and girly movies are the best form of therapy.  Hey, a girl’s got to do whatever she can to make it through the day otherwise the world implodes around you! 
I have a birthday coming up next week and I will be 37.  I know…GASP!!!  Age has never really bothered me until I started trying to have a baby.  Early 30s no big deal I still had plenty of time, but as the years tick down the noose around my infertile neck is getting tighter and tighter.  I’m going to be another year older with significantly less money and no baby to speak of.   I guess in my fairytale world I would have been done with baby making and raising a couple of adorable and if anything like their father rambunctious children by now!  Everyone keeps telling me don’t listen to the statistics, but it’s hard when they all show 36 and older having decrepit eggs and higher difficulty getting pregnant.  Holy Shit!  More difficulty getting pregnant because I’m 37…noose getting tighter!!!
My hope is not dead, but I am starting to feel like maybe it is bound, gagged and hidden in someone’s basement right about now.  I bet it’s with that damned stork that’s missing!!!

4 comments:

  1. I can totally sympathize with you on this. I never thought I would still be trying to have a baby after all these years. Let alone still trying after every thing you have been through. I totally admire you and what you are doing. I pray you get a little miracle very soon!

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  2. I just love the hope being gagged, bound and hiding!

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  3. Love this! Still have hope for you guys!

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  4. Hi there! i see this has been a really long journey for you, and hope you will succeed in your next cycle. I understand the sentiments in your post. Sometimes this journey and life takes its toll on us and we aren't as free spirited as we once were. the important thing is you have hope. where there is hope, theres will, where theres will, there will be a way! hang in there. i will help you loosen the noose. we have hope for you!xo

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