Monday, October 8, 2012

The Consuming Weight of Guilt

Negative!  Yep, that is the answer for this cycle.  A BIG FAT NEGATIVE!  We are obviously very sad that this try didn't work, but for me there's more than sadness...there's guilt!  Not being consumed by guilt during the infertility journey is difficult.  There are numerous things a person can feel guilty about during this process. Personally as an Irish girl that was raised Catholic in her early life, guilt just comes with the territory and I tend to take it all upon myself.  (I think guilt is something they teach you very early in Catholic School just to make sure you are full of shame and repentance as adults.) 

So in an effort to release some of this guilt (and yes I know logically that these things are not real) here it all is laid out for the world to see!

I constantly struggle with the guilt of all the heartache and pain I have caused myself and my husband during this journey.  Although G assures me time and time again that this is “our journey,” I feel guilty that my body is broken and it's my fault. I feel guilty that I have not been able to give G a child, especially a son, who could carry on his family name. I feel guilty that we have spent over a ¼ of our marriage struggling with cancer and infertility.  I feel guilty that at times I have neglected the people I love throughout this process.  I feel guilty that I have had limited social gatherings with friends because I have been consumed both mentally and physically with my infertility. I feel guilty that I have caused our parents stress and worry throughout these trials. I feel guilty that I haven’t given them grandchildren to love and spoil rotten.

Quite honestly there are so many more things I could list that I feel guilty for; these just tend to rank highest on my list.  These feelings are very real and ones that I truly struggle with often.  I know that they are bubbling back up inside because of this last cycle being unsuccessful, but why are they weighing so heavily on me today?  It took me a while, but I think I finally figured it out.  It’s because feeling guilty means that I have control over something.  Whether it is painful, stressful or gut wrenching; I have control over it.  If we accept that guilt then we have ownership and we can be responsible for it's success or failure.  Sometimes it’s easier for us to think we have control over something than having to admit that we truly have NO CONTROL!

Guilt is paralyzing and can consume you.  I know all to well what the weight of guilt can do to you emotionally and physically.  I need to let go of all these weights and know that I have NO control over my infertility.  I realize that I am only human and I have done the best that I can with all the challenges, losses and stresses I have been given on this journey.   We are continuing with our last few tries and hope and pray that God will bless us with our biological family, but I am letting go of my hold on this.  I realize that I truly have NO CONTROL over the outcome of these tries.   Letting go of this guilt will free my heart and mind to embrace the future and WHATEVER that means for growing our family!

4 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to read this today. I continue to pray that God will give you the biological family that you and G desire!

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  2. So sorry Chrissy. We are still praying for you guys!

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  3. Continuing to pray for you...I just know this will happen for you guys!

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  4. You are so amazing!

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C