I was flipping through the channels the other day, looking for something to watch and came across a show called “19 Kids and Counting.” I am not real sure why it bothered me, but it just kind of took me back and made me a little jealous. OK, so I'm not proud of those feelings, but the fact that they have 20 kids and I have yet to have one makes me feel like the fat girl at a co-ed pool party!
Why did seeing this show trigger those feelings? I think it's because the mother was surprised to be pregnant again and said that they had left their family planning up to God. I think that's great, but if God is handing out babies why isn't He handing them out to me? Why can they have 20 babies and I can’t even have one? Suffering with infertility I've had no choice but to leave our family planning up to God, my fertility doctor, oncologist, embryologists and labs. With all those able hands why have I continued to come up empty when it comes to growing my family?
I know nothing about the Duggars and I haven’t watched the show prior to this day but from what I gathered they seem like good people and their children seem to be well taken care of. They aren't abused, starving, neglected or lacking necessities; which is better than some children have it. So am I really jealous of the Duggars? No, not really. I guess if I hadn't had cancer and infertility issues I could have popped out 32 kids and had our own reality show too.
When I hear stories about the Duggars, Octomom or Teen Mom, they are painful reminders of my infertility and miscarriages. I wonder why children are born to parents who abuse and neglect them when I could never do that. Why are children born to parents who never wanted them when I want nothing more? I think I'm going to start a new movement called “Occupy Womb” and begin protesting around the country the inequality when it comes to fertility. OK maybe not, but still! We all have struggles and times where things seem unfair and cancer and infertility just happen to be mine.
No matter what trials come my way, in the end I have an absolutely loving and supportive husband who is willing to let me whine, cry and complain until my heart is content or until I have no more words or tears left. We are blessed to have a beautiful home, jobs, great friends and family. All things considered I guess I am pretty lucky! One thing is for sure...I know that my children will be so loved and blessed because of what I have been through!