The definition of worthless is without practical value; good-for-nothing. Why am I bringing this up? Well quite honestly it is because that is the definition that I have had of my self numerous times over the last 4 years. I know, I know. I can hear the awes right now. I don’t say this to get pity or merit responses. I say this because I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I am sure most women experiencing infertility or miscarriage has felt this at some point of her journey.
When I was a teenager I had all sorts of dreams. Same as any teenage girl; go to college, move out of your parent’s house, have an amazing job, find the man of your dreams and start a family. The problem is that my fairy tale life is not exactly following those dreams. I knew at the age of 15 that I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world. Nothing inspired me more than having a family. I wanted to be a stay-at-home, minivan driving super cool room mom. I wanted to give my children all the things my mother, being a single mom, couldn’t. I had no other aspirations higher than becoming a parent.
I was beyond blessed when I met G. Yes we were young and stupid when we got married and we had plenty of time to start our family. So I decided to do some of those things on my list of dreams before I started a family. Move out of mom’s house – Check! Get Married – Check! Go to college – Check! Work in the real world – Check! Now it was time to make the last of my fairy tale dreams come true. Start a family – waiting, waiting, waiting…
Everyone was telling me they were sure I’d get pregnant right away. After almost 18 months of trying to conceive I was really beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me. When my cancer was found those feelings went through the roof. I was ruining my husband’s life and ending any hopes of a biological child for him. What good was I if I could not fill the simplest of “martial duties”? What if I could not produce offspring for my husband? What if his family line ended with him because of me? I was worthless; I had no value.
When I did conceive the first time those feelings began to fade; I was finally fulfilling my “duties” as well as my long time dreams. Again those hopes were dashed and those feelings were back tenfold. Of all the feelings that I have had through this journey, and there have been many, this is the one that haunts me more than any other. I feel responsible for my husband not having kids, my parents and in-laws not being grandparents. It’s hard not to feel like I am worthless!
I know that G does not feel the same way as me. He wants children just as badly as I do, but I know that at the end of the day if it was just he and I that would be OK too. I have also had to come to grips with the reality that my family might not be biologically linked to G and me, but they will be our family and I will be a mother. Lastly I have realized that my worth is not tied to me being a mother (though at times I still struggle with feeling like a failure in this area) and I count my blessings every day that I have people to remind me of that and love me just the way I am!!!