Friday, September 14, 2012

Worth or Worthless?

The definition of worthless is without practical value; good-for-nothing.  Why am I bringing this up?  Well quite honestly it is because that is the definition that I have had of my self numerous times over the last 4 years.  I know, I know.  I can hear the awes right now.  I don’t say this to get pity or merit responses.  I say this because I know that I am not alone in these thoughts and feelings.  I am sure most women experiencing infertility or miscarriage has felt this at some point of her journey.

When I was a teenager I had all sorts of dreams.  Same as any teenage girl; go to college, move out of your parent’s house, have an amazing job, find the man of your dreams and start a family.  The problem is that my fairy tale life is not exactly following those dreams.  I knew at the age of 15 that I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world.  Nothing inspired me more than having a family.  I wanted to be a stay-at-home, minivan driving super cool room mom.  I wanted to give my children all the things my mother, being a single mom, couldn’t.  I had no other aspirations higher than becoming a parent. 

I was beyond blessed when I met G.  Yes we were young and stupid when we got married and we had plenty of time to start our family.  So I decided to do some of those things on my list of dreams before I started a family.  Move out of mom’s house – Check!  Get Married – Check!  Go to college – Check!  Work in the real world – Check!  Now it was time to make the last of my fairy tale dreams come true.  Start a family – waiting, waiting, waiting… 

Everyone was telling me they were sure I’d get pregnant right away.  After almost 18 months of trying to conceive I was really beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me.  When my cancer was found those feelings went through the roof.  I was ruining my husband’s life and ending any hopes of a biological child for him.  What good was I if I could not fill the simplest of “martial duties”?  What if I could not produce offspring for my husband?  What if his family line ended with him because of me?  I was worthless; I had no value.

When I did conceive the first time those feelings began to fade; I was finally fulfilling my “duties” as well as my long time dreams.  Again those hopes were dashed and those feelings were back tenfold.  Of all the feelings that I have had through this journey, and there have been many, this is the one that haunts me more than any other.  I feel responsible for my husband not having kids, my parents and in-laws not being grandparents.  It’s hard not to feel like I am worthless!

I know that G does not feel the same way as me.  He wants children just as badly as I do, but I know that at the end of the day if it was just he and I that would be OK too.  I have also had to come to grips with the reality that my family might not be biologically linked to G and me, but they will be our family and I will be a mother.   Lastly I have realized that my worth is not tied to me being a mother (though at times I still struggle with feeling like a failure in this area) and I count my blessings every day that I have people to remind me of that and love me just the way I am!!!

1 comment:

  1. Your honesty is amazing! I understand how you feel! Hugs!!!


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