Infertiles are repeatedly bombarded with reminders of pregnancy or our lack of being pregnant. As you continue through the journey, feelings will come and go and so will the triggers. I just really never expected this one to be so difficult for me. Seeing someone that you watched as a child becoming a parent, having yet to carry a child to term myself was like a slap in the face. I realized that I have been married just a few years shy of her age. I should be the one that is pregnant; my kids should be babysitting her kids!
Knowing that you desperately want to be a mother and having that victory elude you begins to weigh heavy at times. It’s hard to stay positive in those situations when you feel like anyone can have a family but you! I never want ANYONE to have to experience everything that I have been through and I want anyone who desires to be a parent to have that opportunity. That being said it is hard not to be envious of what she has…what I want! I struggle everyday with trying to control those emotions and truly being happy for others who have what I want. The bible tells us that we are to rejoice with others in their good fortune. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Rom. 12:15).
I know that this is normal and I am allowed to have those feelings of envy, sadness and disappointment. But how do you celebrate other’s joy in the midst of your own sorrow? With a little grace and strength from God I have learned to hold myself together in those situations until I can let it out in private. I am so blessed to have a soft place to land in G and several friends. I just have to remember that I can’t rewind moments in history and undo the damage that has been done so I must guard my words and think of how I would want others to respond if the roles were reversed. I know that one day I will be the one with good news to share and am looking forward to celebrating with others!