Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Unexpected Trigger

Infertility is definitely one of those situations known to cause the “little green monster” to come out in even the best of people.  There are numerous situations that are known triggers for those suffering infertility but I was a little taken back by the one that just hit me…the kid I used to baby sit is pregnant!

Infertiles are repeatedly bombarded with reminders of pregnancy or our lack of being pregnant.  As you continue through the journey, feelings will come and go and so will the triggers.  I just really never expected this one to be so difficult for me.  Seeing someone that you watched as a child becoming a parent, having yet to carry a child to term myself was like a slap in the face.  I realized that I have been married just a few years shy of her age.  I should be the one that is pregnant; my kids should be babysitting her kids!

Knowing that you desperately want to be a mother and having that victory elude you begins to weigh heavy at times.  It’s hard to stay positive in those situations when you feel like anyone can have a family but you!  I never want ANYONE to have to experience everything that I have been through and I want anyone who desires to be a parent to have that opportunity.  That being said it is hard not to be envious of what she has…what I want!  I struggle everyday with trying to control those emotions and truly being happy for others who have what I want.   The bible tells us that we are to rejoice with others in their good fortune.   “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Rom. 12:15).

I know that this is normal and I am allowed to have those feelings of envy, sadness and disappointment.  But how do you celebrate other’s joy in the midst of your own sorrow?  With a little grace and strength from God I have learned to hold myself together in those situations until I can let it out in private.  I am so blessed to have a soft place to land in G and several friends.  I just have to remember that I can’t rewind moments in history and undo the damage that has been done so I must guard my words and think of how I would want others to respond if the roles were reversed.   I know that one day I will be the one with good news to share and am looking forward to celebrating with others!

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