We recently got the “OK” to start another cycle. I so desperately want to be a mother that my heart was chomping at the bit to get started again, however my head was a little more hesitant. To be honest I am tired there is no other way to say it…just tired! In a few weeks it will be 2 years since I was first told I was cancer free and able to begin fertility treatments. Combine that with the 18 months we tried prior to the cancer diagnosis and 10 months of treatments for the cancer I am exhausted. I want to stick it out until the doctor says we should stop but I tell you I am running out of tries and each failed cycle gets a little harder.
Sometimes it’s difficult to keep my mind on my fertility treatments and it feels as if I am just going through the motions. It’s hard moving forward knowing that I could end this journey never conceiving again or worse having another miscarriage. I think we become so focused on the big picture that we forget about the current cycle. I am extremely guilty of this; I have X amount of tries and each failure just ticks one more try off the big picture. I’m working on trying to stay in this cycle and focus on believing this will be the one that brings our little miracle.
I was emailing back and forth with a dear friend telling her that I was struggling, and it was hard to keep going sometimes. She said in the immortal words of Dori, “Just keep swimming…just keep swimming”. I know it sounds simple, but it is so true. I have to keep trying! If I can just keep swimming then eventually I will get to where I’m going!