Years ago, I was given some unsolicited, but highly valuable advice on marriage. The short version goes something like this: Husbands get to choose what position they play in the great game of marriage. A lot of husbands choose to play quarterback; unfortunately for them, all wives are quarterback by default. OK, so maybe it was a joke, not advice, but I think there is a thread of truth running through it.
The more I thought about it, the more it actually made sense. This means that every time a husband chooses QB, they will forever be at odds with their wife. More importantly, it means that when husbands choose to play on the same team as their wife, they both have a better chance of winning. I think this specifically applies to couples who are faced with infertility or miscarriage. The perfect role for husbands in this situation is protecting the quarterback. This can be as simple as running a little interference when an acquaintance begins asking all the wrong questions, or as difficult as speaking frankly with a close friend or family member about what’s going on so your wife doesn't have to.
Now bear with me while I take this metaphor one last step further. Our doctors, spiritual leaders and counselors make great coaches and they pretty much fall in to these roles naturally. But this is still a pretty small team to take on such a big problem. I think this is a common place for couples to falter when dealing with infertility. There are plenty of reasons not to share what is going on with the people in your life, some more valid than others, but without building a better team around you, you’re going to have a hard time dealing with the opposing forces. This is what friends and family are for. Reach out and ask them to help you in these trying times. No, they will not know how to help you at first. Yes, you will need to train your team just like any other. Explain to your friends what you need, what is not helpful and whatever else you think will help them help you. Once you’ve done this, the opposition starts looking a little easier to take on.
Written by Grayson Walters