Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Building Glass Walls

My parents divorced when I was very young.  I lived with my mother with a little help from my amazing grandparents.  My mom would have given me every last cent and the last scrap of clothing off of her back to make my life easier and happier (still will to this day).  Because of her strength and compassion I am the person I am today.  She gives me drive, perseverance, endurance and the ability to love.  On the flip side of that my father has also made me the person I am today.  I did not have a relationship with him when I was growing up and I still don’t.  I remember a lot of heartache and feelings of abandonment as a child which has carried through to my adult life.

I think people’s personalities and defense mechanisms are largely developed when they are children.  Why am I mentioning this now?  Because I think it helps explain a little bit about me and my journey.  I had two coping mechanisms when I was a kid that I still use today (old habits are hard to break).  I would either use humor to mask my feelings or put up walls to keep people from getting too close.  The problem with using these mechanisms is, it's hard for people to know what I am really thinking and feeling. 

Infertility is riddled with emotions and can really affect a person’s self worth.  I was embarrassed, depressed, angry and had feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt.  I spent years trying to hide our issues with infertility but what I was really doing was building glass walls.  My walls were just transparent enough to have those relationships that were so important to me, but defined enough to never let anyone get too close.  I was afraid of being judged or blamed for my cancer, infertility and miscarriages.  I was afraid of people learning about our problems and being abandoned again.  I didn’t want to burden others with my problems.  If I just kept smiling and joking then no one would know.

I made a mistake when I took this approach to this journey.  I waited until my load was just too much to bear before I opened up to others.  G has been by my side the entire time, but I was afraid to share a lot of my fears and feelings because I didn’t want to be a burden to him.  The funny thing is that he was more than willing for me to lean on him; in fact he wanted me to release some of those stresses and rely on him.   I was so worried that if I shared all the struggles that we were going through that it would be too much for our friends to handle.  If I just would have trusted my family and friends sooner they were more than willing to carry some of my burden for me.

I have learned that I am very strong and can persevere, but it is much easier with family and friends by my side.  So now I am shattering those walls and opening up about our trials!

2 comments:

  1. All I can say is WOW!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You continue to amaze me with your posts. They are so honest...I wish I had your strength!

    ReplyDelete

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