Friday, August 31, 2012

When the Car Window Has No Stick Figures

When I got pregnant the first time, I was very hesitant about getting my hopes up too much.  Having just gone through almost a year of treatments for my cancer I was not sure that I was going to be able to carry the baby to term.  I was afraid that my uterus was too scarred from the surgeries.  I did however want to celebrate in a small way the news that we had just gotten and continue to hope. 

You always see the little stick figure families on the back window of people’s cars with the husband, wife, kids and pets.  I wanted that.  I wanted the “perfect” little stick figure family.  So to celebrate our news I ran out and bought a sheet of the University of Tennessee family clings.  I was so excited and looked at that adorable little baby with a big T on its bib and just smiled.  I know it seems like such a silly purchase, but it was the perfect gift for me.  I wanted a “perfect” little family and those little clings represented my deepest desire.  It’s been just over 20 months and that window is still empty.  Two more times I felt that excitement of finally getting my stick figure family on my car to have it taken away. 

About 7 years ago G and I bought a bigger house, 2 “family” cars and began to plan for the family that was surely coming.  Yet that nursery is still empty.  So how do you live with the disappointments that come with infertility?  How do you deal with the roller coaster of emotions that follows a loss?   How do you keep hope when you keep getting knocked down?

G and I have struggled with this on and off over the last 4 years.  Sometimes my hope overflows and I know that I am going to conceive a healthy baby and carry that baby to term.  Then there are days that I am in true despair that we will be a family of 2 forever.  I am human and those feelings come and go.  There are times that I question my faith…I don’t see how anyone in our situation wouldn’t.  The truth is that I always come back and I know that God will provide us the family that we long for.  The reality is that it just might not be the way we think.  My family may not be biological, but it will be MY FAMILY!!!

I am so blessed to have the most amazing support group.  I have a husband that has experienced and seen more than he ever should have and has not left my side a single time.  I have doctors that believe in us having our own biological child and who are doing everything they can to give us our family. I have a family that supports and loves us no matter what.  I have a pastor that goes out of her way to make time for us and give us the spiritual support and reminders that we need to hold on to that hope and faith.  Last, but not least, I have friends that deal with my tears, rants and my periodic bouts of seclusion while still daring to stop by and bring us dinner!  That is how I deal with the pain and losses.

(2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV)  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

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