Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Most Infertile Woman in America!

Like many infertile women I am often unable to avoid my own thoughts of being pregnant or more to the point, my lack thereof!!!  No matter how hard I try I can’t shake these thoughts…I am sure it has nothing to do with starting fertility treatments again.   Since the beginning of our “unproductive reproduction” I have felt like the most infertile woman in America.

The other night while G and I were out, one of my “other personalities” began to rant about all my fears of trying again, having another miscarriage and never having children.  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Everywhere I looked I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby.  I swear I saw like 12 women who were pregnant...OK maybe it was only 3, but still.  Then we get home and turn on the TV to see a show where a teenage girl was pregnant and didn’t want her baby.  Follow that up by checking out Facebook and seeing that everyone I know is pregnant with like their 14th child.  Some days I feel like no matter where I go or what I do there are babies and pregnancy everywhere and I can't run away from it fast enough! I must be the most infertile woman in America!

If pregnancy was an actual track event I would be in last place.  In fact I am pretty sure I would have been lapped several times at this point.  It seems like everyone is on their second and third babies while I have yet to carry my first child to term.  After all the treatments we have been through and how precise the timing has to be to conceive it is absolutely amazing to me that anyone can get pregnant.  After seeing how easy it is for so many women to conceive, the Giant Green Monster of jealously settles in.  I know jealousy is ugly and it makes me into a person that I don’t want to be.  It is a part of me and I wish I could walk away from those feelings everyday!  Unfortunately, I experience these feelings on a regular basis; whenever I see a pregnant woman or new mother.

The fact is, it’s hard, very hard to not be jealous while going through infertility!  This is something I struggle with daily.  I know that one day these feelings will pass, but in the mean time I will continue to do what I need to keep my sanity and pray that others will understand if I turn down those invites to baby showers, find somewhere urgent I need to be when you pull out pictures of your newborn niece or excuse myself from a cute story about your little one!!!

1 comment:

  1. I was just introduced to your blog through a friend. Thank you for your honesty, especially in this post. I can't tell you how much this is a problem for me. Pregnancy is everywhere except where I want it to be (in my belly). "I know jealousy is ugly and it makes me into a person that I don’t want to be." Yes, yes, I am right there with you.


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