Most everyone knows someone (no matter how many degrees of separation) who has experienced a miscarriage. I am not really sure what the stigma is when it comes to miscarriage, but with me personally it was shame! I felt like my body had betrayed me and I was to blame for losing my babies. I was afraid people would judge me or pick me apart as to what I did that would have caused me to miscarry. I was sure it was my fault and everyone would know that. After having almost every test under the sun we have since learned that we are basically victims of the 1 in 5 and we have gotten the short end of the stick. There is no known reason for my losses.
“How do you deal with having a miscarriage?” - With my first miscarriage we did not really take time to breathe because of my cancer we were kind of on a short time frame. So we basically jumped right back in when we were given the OK to try again. I don’t think that we really ever grieved that loss until my 2nd miscarriage a few months ago. Thankfully Dr. L referred us to a psychologist to help us deal with this most recent loss. After talking to Dr. M the flood gates just opened up and the feelings and fears from both losses came pouring out. I was really struggling with the loss and feeling guilty. I felt shame, sadness, emptiness and pain. My psychologist told us that everything we were feeling was completely normal because we suffered a loss…a death and we were grieving. It has taken a lot of time, counseling and prayers but we are finally able to move forward. These pains and feelings will never go away but they will lesson over time.
“How do you try again after a miscarriage?” - That is a hard question to answer. I don’t think that there is a set time frame of when it’s OK to try again. It really depends on the emotions and feelings of both you and your spouse. For me this last one was much harder to move past and we really had to take the time. We needed to meet with our psychologist and decompress from the loss. We went back and forth umpteen times deciding that we were ready and then we would go to back to not being ready. So now it’s time and we have decided to move forward, but the fears of having another miscarriage are very real. We still believe that our desire to have a child out-weighs those fears and that is how we are able to try again.
Because we have received so many questions about this topic, I am doing 2 posts that will address all the requests for more info.