Over time, we spoke less about the miscarriage. C did not bring it up and I of course never would. Finally, we hit a week where it was obvious that the topic was heavy on C’s heart. I was at a loss. She had been “fine” for so long, I couldn’t figure out why it had risen up in her again. When I finally pinned her down to what was going on, she simply said, “Our baby should have been born yesterday.” I physically and emotionally recoiled in an instant. It was like a fist in my gut. In that one statement, C had unearthed all of my carefully interred feelings and laid them bare before me. We cried. At the time, through the emotional mess, an angry thought appeared. I could not understand WHY C would have marked down the date and dwelled on it. Following that, even if she needed to know it, WHY would she hit me with it? I understand now, that this was no conscious action for her as it would be for me. For her, the moment she became pregnant, a set of information became as important to her as breathing. The baby’s due date was simply a piece of information in that set.
So, men, learn from my mistake. (The not marking the date thing, I know none of us are going to stop burying our feelings based on some blog post.) I’m not saying you need to send flowers, or take her for a long weekend somewhere, just be aware that as that time draws near; your wife is going to need the supportive shoulder not the clueless wonder.
Ladies, if you are in this situation, first off, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only hope my words will help you understand why your husband doesn’t understand your feelings about the due date.