Thursday, August 30, 2012

Guest Post - Missed Due Dates

Guys are notoriously bad at missing important dates.  I like to think that I make out better than most when it comes to ensuring that I’ve remembered C’s birthday or our anniversary for example.  One date that I missed was the expected due date of the first child we lost to miscarriage.  This was not because of any forgetfulness, but because I never thought to mark it as a special date.  Like many men, I tend to bury any unpleasant feelings deep down where I don’t have to look at them.  For me, after the initial shock of the miscarriage and the immediate “dealing” with it, I went to work at entombing the feelings.  Over the next few weeks and months, I would try to be there for C when she needed to talk about the miscarriage, but I’d never actually open up my feelings.  You see, I had “dealt” with what I needed to deal with and that was that. 

Over time, we spoke less about the miscarriage.  C did not bring it up and I of course never would.  Finally, we hit a week where it was obvious that the topic was heavy on C’s heart.  I was at a loss.  She had been “fine” for so long, I couldn’t figure out why it had risen up in her again.  When I finally pinned her down to what was going on, she simply said, “Our baby should have been born yesterday.”  I physically and emotionally recoiled in an instant.  It was like a fist in my gut.  In that one statement, C had unearthed all of my carefully interred feelings and laid them bare before me.  We cried.  At the time, through the emotional mess, an angry thought appeared.  I could not understand WHY C would have marked down the date and dwelled on it.  Following that, even if she needed to know it, WHY would she hit me with it?  I understand now, that this was no conscious action for her as it would be for me.  For her, the moment she became pregnant, a set of information became as important to her as breathing.  The baby’s due date was simply a piece of information in that set.
So, men, learn from my mistake.  (The not marking the date thing, I know none of us are going to stop burying our feelings based on some blog post.)  I’m not saying you need to send flowers, or take her for a long weekend somewhere, just be aware that as that time draws near; your wife is going to need the supportive shoulder not the clueless wonder.
Ladies, if you are in this situation, first off, I am so sorry for your loss.  I can only hope my words will help you understand why your husband doesn’t understand your feelings about the due date.

5 comments:

  1. That was very touching and heartfelt - I love your blog.

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  2. Took my breath away....take care Chrissy.

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  3. I'm so impressed by you and your honesty in writing this.

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